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Thanks again for all of your answers. I have gotten my life back on track. However the environment that I am in now is not at all conducive to spirituality. I have tried to make it work over the past two years but it is becoming less and less workable.
The air that I breathe here is far from clean as I life only a few blocks from the 3m world production plant that pumps out 5000 tons of hazardous and unscheduled carcinogenic chemicals a year. There is no where to take walks, the area is surrounded by roads that are heavily traveled and car fumes are horrific. There are 2 elf towers within a quarter mile of my appartment. I cannot sing mantras or listen to music without the neighbors getting angry and threatening to call on noise complaints because of the paper thin walls. I am so far from anyone with any light. Despite all my searches, I am alone in this dark place. SO I usually don't sing mantras I mentalize them. I can't bathe because the water is horrific, it has a blue tint and smells like a swimming pool. people insist on running fans that horrifically and horribly and insanely buzz at 120 hertz with hermonic overtones of 230 ish which even ear plugs cant block out because whatever the device is it shakes the whole building, it sounds in the hallway like its about to take off, I would say a good 75 decibels. The elf towers play at night and shake the building. You can literally see the waves when the lighting is just right. Being surrounded by fornicators in the neigboring units, along with my roomate...
Enough of the bad lets hear the good: I don't pay all but 15 dollars of rent. I don't have to work, which gives me all the time in the world to figure out life. The building is standing, and it has doors. I have a working refrigerator, and heater. whatever.
Okay so I need to move, I am so sick of being here its not even funny. I guess you didn't need all the background information, but I need to get out of here, and I have been visualizing my dream location. A secluded place in the middle of a vast forest in a temperate area, far far away from any cities. A group of 20-30 people all working the fertile earth together for food, crafting our needs from nature around us. Sitting around the campfire at night singing mantras. Meditating many times during the day. Destroying our egos together. Several times a year taking a trip into the nearest city to trade our crafts and sacrifice for others, play concerts. Always praising God. Workign with the angels, doing the Divine will. No electricity! No materialism! No hatred! Only Love and peace and bliss of being.
Where can I find a place like that? Do I have to go to a different counrty? India? Tibet? I have one small bag of things. And I can leave in 3 months. Maybe less, depending on some things. I will seriously do anything, even if it means dieing physically. or whatever.
I have never had an experince meditating. No matter how deep I get. Sometimes I get into the hypnogogic state on the border of sleep and weird thoughts happen like just he strangest stuff, but not only do I not remember naything from it, but nothing in my life changes.
About 2 weeks ago, I was in a store talking to this girl who works there that thinks that money is the meaning of life, I am trying to gently push her to look beyond materialsim for meaning, now that she has "security", and all of a sudden I felt disociated, and I sensed her monad, and it was so awesome. I try to remember that feeling whenever I talk to someone but it hasn't ever happened again.
I keep engaging in serious gluttony. It has become such a huge problem that I am now in eating disorder treatment. It started out that I would eat whenever I had this feeling, which now I know that feeling to be really strong sexual energy, I didn't remember that feeling because I had been on estrogen 3 years just prior to gluttony starting. I mean I was a bullemic when I was on estrogen, and I would binge but purge it all up. anyways, now I am eating all day long. I just cant stop eating. I am SO sick of food, and I hate eating, but I NEED to eat. like its like an addiction, if I don't have food, I am going to DIE! You know?
But thats besides the point.
Oh! Also, why do I feel sexual attraction to my male roommate. He is straight and he said that he is sexually attracted to me too. I keep finding myself coming onto him, like teasing him, flirting with him, or doing things that women do to make men lust after them. Its all happening and I am aware of it, but its like I am being controled! I feel such strong emotions, you know? The woman is the -- right and the man is the | or whatever and it should be -|- and not || or ==, but each and every single one of us has the primordial masculine nad feminine and an anima and an animus. My anima is VERY much awake... but what I mean is that we each have God within us that makes us, us... so what does this dumb body have to do with anything, for all I know, my roommate may have been my husband or my wife in a past life! But thats besides the point because Part of me is not attracted to him at all so there is no real problem because nothing is going to happen. And that part is very much attracted to women.
How do I know when my father will line me up with a wife? According to my numerolgy and horiscope, it appears that I am here now to build my solar bodies with sexual transmutation with a wife, and to become enlightened. But neither of those have happened!
I just wanted to say, since it appears I am not very good at expressing things with words, that my last 2 posts it seems were missinterperated in mood. It should be noted that pretty much all day every day my child self is in charge, and I feel such exploding love from my heart that I seem autistic and like I have terrets. Sometimes I cannot help but scream or make noises, I jsut feel so much love. Once and a while I turn quite the other way and almost kill myself, but that is usually when I fail. I feel I deserve it, that part of me usually writes to you, because my other part has no desires nor does it need help with anything. Though its hard to sustain that part when I am alone. I usually sink, and start worrying. But thats only like 2% of the time that I am awake.
I know that this is really long, but God never tells me anything, so I have to ask you all of this stuff.
"We constantly receive letters from many people who are desirous of eliminating the “I,” but they complain about their wives, children, brothers, families, husbands, bosses, etc. Those people demand certain conditions in order to dissolve the “I.” They want luxuries in order to annihilate the ego; they demand magnificent conduct from those with whom they interact." - Samael Aun Weor